I closed my bedroom door. Then my bathroom door. Then my closet door. Everything within me wanted to slam each door shut as hard and as loud as possible. But that would be hypocritical because I had just put my almost three-nager into timeout for the very same thing.
Hoping the clothes in my closet would muffle the sound, I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I screamed until my throat burned.
I held back the tears threatening to burn my eyes.
Then I felt the guilt wash over me.
I didn’t want to feel sad. I didn’t want to feel stuck. I didn’t want to feel unfulfilled. I didn’t want to feel resentful. I didn’t want to feel overwhelmed. And I did not want to feel restless. Because in that same moment I could have told you a long list of things I was genuinely grateful for.
The God-honest truth is that I was feeling ALL of those things. Contrary to popular belief, you can feel two feelings simultaneously. For instance, gratitude and sadness can sit side-by-side. The goal is to let gratitude lead the way. Faith and frustration can sit side-by-side. The goal is to let faith lead your life. The summer had been fun, but it had been busy. If we were not traveling, we had company. And while I love to travel and love having my house full of loved ones, I had not had time to connect with my mama tribe. The end of summer means that football season is upon us. And football season means I’m home alone every weekend with my kids while my husband is on the road officiating college football and chasing his dream to big time college football. It’s a huge reason I found myself alone in my closet, in a new state, in a new town. I am very proud of my husband and I am so thrilled he is able to pursue his dream.
But I was starting to question “What about me? What about my dreams?” As my throat burned and I choked back tears, I could no longer ignore the nagging struggles of the last few months. And those struggles could be summed up very simply. I felt stuck. I felt stuck and I knew something had to change. And I knew I needed to make a game-plan right then and there.
Am I the only one that has struggled with this? Or is this resonating with you? If so, please know you are not alone. Parenting is not for the faint of heart, that is for sure. The early years are demanding as the meeting of your children’s needs is at times, endless. I decided it was no longer time for excuses. It was time to sit down, evaluate, and game-plan.
Check back Wednesday for Part 2: The Game-Plan.
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