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  • Writer's pictureMichelle Harris

Sex and Intimacy, Part Two (Sex Begins in the Mind)

Song of Solomon 1:2 states Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine.

This is one verse from a very sensual book of the Bible. Just one verse from an entire book that celebrates intimacy. No where in that verse (or book) do we detect any shame or guilt surrounding sex. Quite the opposite. This couple is pursuing, vocalizing and celebrating the pleasure they experience with one another.

Sex was God’s idea. He could have made us asexual but instead He gave us an incredible gift and the privilege of pro-creating with Him.

Let’s go back to the Garden of Eden and consider the first marriage. Imagine how it felt to be Adam and Eve. They were together, naked and unashamed. How many of us have marriages like that?

When I think back to the Garden, it sounds fabulous. Adam and Eve were living in perfection, unashamed, walking together and with God in perfect peace. Life before the Fall was very different than today for the obvious reason that sin had not tainted the world, sex included.

Adam and Eve only had one another to turn toward.

They didn’t have the latest issue of Cosmo telling them that sex was lacking because they needed some spicier tips. There was no pornography. There was no addiction. There was no distraction. There was perfect intimacy.

There were no mirrors, no one to compare themselves to, no one to compare their spouses with, and no clothes. Oh yes, and there were no phone addictions, Facebook posts, IG posts…no media in general to warp their minds regarding sex, how they should look, etc.

Now, before you get all cynical and say “It must be nice, but we ain’t in that Garden”, take heart. We can work to create marriages where we can be intimate while feeling safe, loved, accepted, unashamed and free. It can be done. You and your spouse can create a safe place, a place of respite and rejuvenation for just the two of you away from the world. It takes hard work, commitment, grace, and healthy boundaries. It won’t be perfect because this is not Heaven. But it can be good. Even great. And isn’t that a place you would like your marriage to be at? If you are single, hopefully your goal is to lay a healthy and vibrant foundation of sex now that will later benefit your future marriage.

What a gift you have been given if this healthy and Godly view of sex was passed down to you from your family and your church. But if your foundation is broken and cracking it will take a huge mindset shift, asking for forgiveness, extending grace, building up hedges to protect your marriage and your mind, taking time to heal, investing in your relationship and celebrating your relationship as well. It will be SO worth it.

Are you willing to do the personal work and couple work that is necessary to lay a foundation for sex to be full of joy and freedom in your marriage?

Let’s take it a step farther. Are you willing to encourage the leaders of your church to start addressing this gift of intimacy openly in a way that glorifies God? Are you bold enough to be counter-cultural?

You see, your view of sex influences how you approach sex (or if you approach sex) in your marriage. Your view of sex influences how you educate your children and the conversations they perceive are safe or unsafe to have with you, their parent. Your view of sex is a reflection of things you believe about God and what He says is good and true.

Have you heard it said that sex begins in the mind for women because they are not as visually stimulated as men? Well, it’s true. Women benefit from the thought of sex being brought to mind all day so they can be all in with their husbands at night. I think on some level it is true for us all. What we believe impacts how we behave regarding sex, how we approach sex, how we talk about sex, and how we feel about sex. We have all had thoughts and views of sex placed in our minds by family, childhood, experiences, church background, movies, television, social media and more. Let's take the time to go back to the Garden to prayerfully consider the gift God gave us in intimacy. Let's go back to His original plan to get our beliefs firmly planted in His truth. His way is always the best way!

In Sex and Intimacy, Part Three, we will continue to take a look at how our views of sex are impacting marriages, families and churches and we will get practical in addressing sex in healthy and tangible ways!

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