One thing I love about Facebook is that it reminds us of where we are and how far we have come. Looking back on this post from March 11, 2016 brought back all the feels! I really want to share it with you tonight because it is honest and raw and I believe God can handle all of our big and messy feelings. I hope this encourages you if you are in a hard season and I hope it equips you for hard seasons to come.
March 11th, 2016
So if we are being honest here (and I've been known to be a little honest...I relate a lot to Paul in some ways😉) I'm a little mad at God right now. You see, we were supposed to move to Nashville this year. That's been Dad's retirement dream and it would be advantageous for Brandon's football career. Dad and mom were supposed to be in TN this week picking out the finishings for their new house. Instead, we have been in the hospital making treatment plans for cancer. In the brain. This was not the plan, God! This was not the dream, God. I want my Dad to see Baby David grow up, to enjoy the fruit of his labor, to ride through the hills of TN on his motorcycle, to travel and spend time with my Mom. This feels SO unfair. Dad has sacrificed so much for his family, and now it is time for his dream and this is what he gets?
Like I said, I'm just being honest with my raw feelings. So if you are someone who is uncomfortable with emotions or questioning God, this post may make you uncomfortable. But I believe that God can handle my full range of emotions because He knows my heart. I know God is good and His grace is sufficient, His power is made perfect in our weakness. I also know out treasure is in Heaven, not on earth. But no matter how strong my faith is, I will wrestle with emotions. God gave us emotions after all, not to be dictators but indicators of what we are experiencing in life.
If God never does anything else for us, He has already saved our souls. Isn't that grace enough? As Max Lucado says, "From heaven's perspective grace IS enough. If God did nothing more than save us from hell, could anyone complain? Is God still a good God when He says no? If God says, 'I've given you my grace, and that is enough,' will you be content?" I know I need to work on contentment and resting in His grace. But I will continue to ask God for everything I need (Phil. 4:6) and will keep praying God will do more than we ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20) for Dad. And I will continue to thank God for the grace upon grace He has shown to me and mine.
So yes, I'm angry and I'm sad. It is hard to watch your parents age, suffer, and hurt. I don't like this path or this plan, God. I'm not so sure You really like it God. But this is our temporary home. I know it is a result of this sinful, broken world and this world is not how You intended it to be.
The other day I had to run, one of the greatest life coping skills my dad has passed on to me (besides faith, of course). I just couldn't run the regular route Brandon and I have run so much with Dad. So I chose a different path. This was on that path. I'm still mad about this, God. I'm not done praying or asking for healing. I'm still sad. But I get it, God. This is NOT the path our family was planning on.
But You are here.
Grace.
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